#FitForFrance

You’re probably wondering what the above hashtag is all about.  I chose it because it’s catchy, and it reminds me of my short and long term goals. I want to be more fit, but I am also counting down the days until I get to visit Europe, a lifelong goal.   It hasn’t been easy so far.

The first 3 months in my weightloss journey, and i’m not going to lie — it’s been so difficult. Any diet, exercise, or routine change is difficult in general- but then you add on all of the different roles.  I’m a business owner, a mother, a wife, countless other things– and, besides that, I’m also picking the busiest time of the year for me, which makes it extra challenging.

As a wife, mother, and business owner — finding “me time” is one of the most difficult things.  It’s almost impossible. Like many other wives and mothers, I tend to put everything and everyone ahead of myself — and that’s all well and good until my own health and wellness starts to suffer. Finding time for me is almost impossible.

On top of that, if you aren’t used to having your own time– when you are able to finally just be alone with your own thoughts it brings a lot of painful thoughts to light. It’s making me face a lot of my own demons.  When I exercise I have an extra 30 minutes to an hour to get lost in my own thoughts, and there are so many questions I have to ask myself.

For starters, I’ve been asking myself “How did I get here?”  — You probably have assumed that as a hair and makeup pro I have mirrors everywhere.  This is kind of true — I have a ton of compact mirrors, but for the past eight years I have not owned a full length mirror.  You are shocked, right? I guess was just afraid. I finally bought one so that I can hold myself accountable and have less excuses.

So, how did I get here?  In high school I wasn’t the best or the worst.  I feel like because I rode that middle ground, I was always one of the kids that got forgotten about and slipped through the cracks.  Had I been a star pupil or a really bad kid I would have gotten more attention, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I wish I would have shown more talent so that people had invested into my skills.  I did have (and still do) have what it takes.

My career hasn’t been easy.  I have been told by a lot of teachers, friends, and family members that I could never or would never been successful.  From there it turned into bosses and coworkers telling me not to waste my time.  I still remember my first boss telling me that I would NOT be successful in this industry.   I was not the favorite at my first job, and in fact, I feel pretty comfortable saying that only a few people liked me.  I always got the worst shifts, and I remember the day I realized that I wouldn’t be able to work and dance anymore.

I was looking at the computer and my coworker (that I’m still friends with today) asked “what’s up?” — and I explained to her that I’d have to give up my first passion, of dance, to be able to work.  Dance was my world. Her response laid heavy on me: “well, you have to grow up sometime!”

I know she didn’t mean those words to be mean but I think that’s one of the turning points in my life, when I started giving up the things I really wanted to do, for the needs of others. This moment is engraved in my mind, like many others.  I don’t blame anyone for my weight issues but words hold a lot of value and weight for certain people, and a lot of the times people will never forget what you said or how you said it.  This is the time when I realized that work was going to have to come first, and that I’d have to wait a little longer to get to do what I really wanted.

I had to wait a little longer for some me time, as I then got married young and had my first baby at the age of 21.  This was an exciting and wonderful time in my life but more things were said to me by people who were concerned. More discouraging words.  I was too young.  I would never see the world.  My career was over. I would never get my body back.  I would never do this or never do that.;

To this day, I’m told that because I’m a mother I won’t be able to handle this job or that job. I proved them wrong.  I did all of the jobs. I was an excellent wife and mother and still excelling in my field.  I was putting myself last. With the social media world we live in today I find that a lot of my friends (myself included) are pushing to show how successful we are, but we aren’t checking in with ourselves.  We’re encouraging others to look at us and our lives but we aren’t asking ourselves to do the same. We aren’t checking in. i know that I’m not alone in this rat race, but yet it feels so lonely sometimes. And it scares me for the future of my children.

Back to #fitforfrance.  You can poke fun of me all you want, but it’s reminding me of my end goal.  I was sharing my excitment of wanting to go to Europe with a close friend, and she said “well, are you ready to even walk?? —  that’s when it hit me. Because of me being overweight, people assume that I’m lazy, that I don’t move.

When I look back on events that have happened, things that people have said, jobs that I have been turned down for, outings with friends that I wasn’t included in on — I see that I’ve really been passed over because people assume that I’m lazy or that I can’t do certain things.

But I’m not lazy.  I work between 40-60 hours a week, depending on the time of year.  If I’m at home with my children I’m still hustling contracts, emailing clients, answering questions, and juggling the schedules of 3 kids.   I’m the first person awake in our house and the last to go to bed. I walk an average of 5 miles a day when I’m not trying to exercise, and then I’ve been working out on top of it.   But there’s this stigma that we need to break — overweight does not equal lazy.

Real weight comes in words and not in pounds. Words are heavy, my friends.  Be careful how you use them.  Empower your friends and loved ones.  Do not assume. I myself have to be more thoughtful of this.  I wonder sometimes if we focus more on building each other up how much better the world would be? I challenge you to give everyone you run into one compliment.  I want whoever reads this to know. You are not alone. You are loved.  You are enough. I am your biggest cheerleader.  I want you to be successful.  Not in your career but your self worth, awareness, and happiness.

If you think about me, keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue on with this tough journey.  If you can relate, please comment below. Tell me your journey, your failures, and triumphs. Shoot me an email if you just need someone to talk to.  You are not alone. I love you.

Stay beautiful (inside and out),

Amanda